I honestly thought it was a joke at first. I mean, think about it.
KUNG.
FU.
PANDA.
I’m guessing someone was taking a highly advanced course that was hard
to pass, so… three cases of Red Bull and a week of no sleep later… things start
to get hilarious. This person tried to look up how to survive tough college
courses plus reviews about his firm, albeit soft-spoken, teacher, when he got
to the weird part of the internet and ended up looking at the sneezing panda
video, then heard someone blaring Kung Fu
Fighting outside. His slightly overweight, slightly Asian roomie shouted at
the people outside to knock it off before he went all panda technique on them
(poor dude was too tired for anything cleverer). After a laughing fit that had sleep-depraved
college student end up in a hospital that provided rest and proper nourishment,
now revived, now ex-college student pitched the idea of a kung-fu fighting
panda dreamer to DreamWorks. Luckily for this guy, the executive board of DreamWorks
animation was also running on next to no sleep trying to find the next idea for
a movie, and after a week in the exact same hospital, they formed a coherent
story and hired Jack Black. The end.
Okay, okay,
that’s not how it happened,
I’m sure. But… I got the Jack Black part right?
…Right?
My gracious, I need therapy.
No matter how ridiculous this movie sounded or looked, you gotta
admit, it did look promising. I thought it did, anyway. Besides, I had just
watched School of Rock and was
impressed with Mr. Black’s role in that movie, so I figured his voice acting
would be at least just as good. Now, obviously, he used his own voice (not
everyone is Mel Blanc / Matt Chapman / June Foray / Cree Summer / Johnny Depp /
Grey DeLisle / Steve Carell, you know), but it was still pretty good, in any
case.
Anyway, this movie starts off about a big, clumsy Panda named Po that
works in a restaurant, but has dreams of being one of the best Kung Fu masters
the world has to offer, even though he’s pressured into becoming a noodle shop
owner, despite the fact that he has no desire to sell noodles.
Meanwhile, the best Kun Fu Masters of China, the Furious Five
(Tigress, Viper, Monkey, Mantis, and Crane) are being trained by Master Shifu,
when Master Oogway feels a disturbance in the force… er, I mean universe.
Whatever. Tai Lung – Shifu’s former student/son banished and imprisoned for turning
on his own master / Dad (oh, yeah, it’s tug-at-the-heart-worthy – no sarcasm)
when refused the Dragon Scroll, a source of seemingly unlimited power – has been
prophesied to escape, if the prison he’s in doesn’t upgrade its security. A
goose is sent with the message.
The day comes when the Dragon Warrior will be announced, and all the
land travels to the Jade Palace, home of the Furious Five, to watch the
momentous occasion take place. Po’s Dad, a goose that adopted him (and Po does
not know it… yet), sends Po to the Jade Palace to sell noodles. Po tries his
best to see the Furious Five in action before Oogway chooses the Dragon
Warrior. His dad finds out that Po’s not selling noodles, and Po tells him that
he really likes Kung Fu instead of selling noodles, as he’d previously told
him.
Oogway finally senses the Dragon Warrior’s presence, right as in a
freak accident (I’m sorry, “There are no accidents.” Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…), Po
ends up inside the Jade Palace. Oogway chooses him as the Dragon Warrior, and
the town surprisingly rejoices. Go figure.
Remember that whole Tai Lung prophecy? Yeah. Would you believe it’s
pretty much self-fulfilling? I’m sure you would. When the goose goes to tell
the security guards Oogway’s message, he molts a feather that Tai Lung uses to
start this awesome sequence that could only be pulled off in animation…. I DON’T
CARE, IT ROCKED!!!! Anyway. The security guards are vanquished, and the goose
has to return to the Jade Palace with the unfortunate news.
Back at the Jade Palace, the Furious Five and Shifu are none-too-happy
about Po’s appearance or Oogway’s choice, and they try discouraging him so he
could leave. Eventually Oogway, right before he dies the most beautiful death
imaginable – Seriously, who WOULDN’T want to go that way? – tells Shifu that
there are no accidents, and that Po can be taught, just not the way everyone
else can. This leads to pretty much the weirdest training session ever. During
this time, the Furious Five attempt to take out Tai Lung. This is not
successful.
Time passes, and Po becomes ready to be the true Dragon Warrior and
receive the Dragon Scroll. To Po’s and Shifu’s surprise, there’s nothing
written in the scroll. Interpreting this to be all a huge mistake, Po returns
home. Tai Lung is on the way to wreak havoc on the town, and the Furious Five
try to help the villagers escape before his arrival. Po goes to his Dad’s home
/ restaurant to help him pack. In a heart-to-heart discussion, Po’s Dad, Ping,
tells Po the secret ingredient to his famous special soup: nothing. Basically,
it’s believing it’s special that makes it special. Not only is this the BEST
marketing tactic in the world (as long as it works), this makes Po realize that
it was also the message of the Dragon Scroll. Po returns to defeat Tai Lung
once and for all.
The town gets saved, and Po rushes to see Master Shifu, who was
initially injured in a match against Tai Lung prior to Po’s arrival. He
survives… and they get something to eat.
Po’s troubles are far from over, though, as Kung Fu Panda 2 begins. A Peacock named Shen attempts to obtain
revenge on the small town he was banished from, due to his abuse of gunpowder
(he made it into weaponry instead of just using it as awesome fireworks). It
turns out, he also caused the death of Po’s mother and the disappearance of Po’s
father, along with the entire Panda population (except Po, of course) in the
valley town, when Po was a baby. Po also learns at this point that he was
adopted.
…Seriously?
It was an entire movie
before
he knew he was adopted.
After Shen kills a Victor Garber cameo (C’mon, DreamWorks, that’s just
messed UP.), The Furious Five + Po go to try to defeat him. Po, in all this
time, also has to find his inner peace (something Master Shifu constantly tries
to find), despite the fact that this Peacock is responsible for his parents’
absence in his life. Don’t worry, the Peacock gets defeated. According to yet
another prophecy (thankfully, not self-fulfilling this time), he will be
defeated by a Warrior of Black and White.
Gee, I wonder who that
could be.
Pongo?
Marty?
Slash?
Halle Berry?
Oh yeah, I went there.
No, of course it’s Po! After finding his inner peace and turning into
a Yin / Yang symbol, he defeats the vicious Peacock (I cannot believe I just
wrote that), and once again, peace returns to the village…. This really wasn’t the
most memorable movie in the series, and was a clear set up for a trilogy
conclusion. Anyway, after the defeat, a Panda in a mystical panda village feels
a disturbance in the force… I mean, a message from the Universe saying that his
son is still alive.
Gee, I wonder who that
could be.
The sneezing baby panda?
The WWF Panda?
Andy Panda?
Does anybody even know that last one?
Well, this is where Kung Fu Panda three pretty much begins. Here we
fine Master Oogway in the Spirit realm, where he meets up with an old foe
(like, over 500 years, dude) named Kai whose bent on taking over the world…
…with chi
(internal energy) accumulation.
Apparently, in this realm, chi can make things grow quickly and give
unstoppable forces to owners, and it’s about as tradeable and collectible as baseball
cards, charms for bracelets, or Pokémon characters.
…
…
…
…
…
…
WHAT????
Okay, commence questions:
1.
Why isn’t chi mastery taken more seriously? It
sure seems helpful!
2.
Why was Tai Lung after the Dragon Scroll if
there was this chi stuff in the first place? He certainly would’ve known about
it!
3.
Is the Dragon Scroll itself capable of holding
any chi?
4.
If chi is so easily distributable, why not
heighten security measures, even in the spirit realm?
5.
If chi can make plants grow, why is the
agriculture business not BOOMING?
6.
If chi can heal people, why have a need for
doctors?
7.
Is there a need for doctors if chi can heal
people?
8.
Is a degree in medical chi about the equivalent
of a high school diploma in present-day America?
9.
Why didn’t Shen the Peacock try to combine chi
and fireworks to become the unstoppable force of China?
10.
Why was Oogway so casual about his own chi
during the ENTIRETY of the Jade Palace?
11.
Can you rebuild things with chi?
12.
Can you fortify buildings with chi?
13.
Can chi be weakened or regenerated?
14.
Why didn’t people think “Doi, just combine Kung
Fu, Firepower, and Chi to make something incredible?”
15.
Why are people captured if it’s the chi that’s
needed?
16.
Why not just capture the chi and leave the
people as nearly lifeless, like those basketball players in Space Jam?
17.
How is chi captured like Pokémon? Who invented that? How was that even discovered?
There are way too many questions that can all be answered with, “It’s
an animated fiction movie,” so I’ll stop here. Anyway, collecting Master Oogway
and his chi give Kai the ability to enter the mortal realm to collect all the
chi in the world, specifically from the Panda’s village because… Pandas have
chi.
Uhm… duh???? Ehh???
This makes no sense to the
franchise at all, whatsoever.
Then again, apparently “beagles
love blueberries,” and I didn’t
complain about that.
Yeah, you'll be seeing that in a future blog.
Anyway, Shifu learns of the news from Kai’s attacks of Jade Zombies
(Jombies… oi), and once again, the
village is in great danger and needs to evacuate soon. Also, Shifu turns over
his teaching position to Po, which, of course, fails miserably.
Po’s dad comes to visit his son, who is truly morphing into the Dragon
Warrior… even if he does have the maturity of a teenage boy, to Shifu’s chagrin.
Ping, Po’s “dad” is not happy about this at all, seeing as Po was practically
abandoned (with reason) by his birth parents and Ping had to raise Po from
infancy.
Po and his dad, Li, head to the Panda village along with stowaway
Ping, so Po can learn to be a true panda and find his chi. Meanwhile, Crane and
Mantis go to fight Kai. Shifu warns them not to attack, because Kai becomes
stronger with his opponents’ attacks. A few other Kung Fu masters go fight, and
are almost instantly defeated and captured. Mantis, enraged by this, disobeys
Shifu’s warning, and is also captured. Crane, worried about his friend… yeah,
you can figure the rest out.
Why on earth would they disobey his orders at this point?
One thing I gotta say about this movie is that I fully enjoyed the
love interest in this film. Po, when he arrives at the village, meets a Panda
Ribbon Dancer named Mei Mei, voiced by Kate Hudson, and he is immediately
scared of her. Nearly seconds later, he can hardly stay away from her – mainly because
she keeps trapping him with her ribbon. Mei Mei definitely found her love
interest: herself / imagining Po being in love with her. Seriously, it’s really
clever, given all these forced romances in movies out there.
Kai and the Jombies (with new recruits Mantis and Crane) attach the
Jade Palace, literally destroying it to rubble. Kai ends up Pokéballing capturing
Shifu and Monkey, giving Tigress a chance to escape and warn Po and the Pandas
(and Ping).
Po tries to teach the Pandas Kung Fu, after Tigress warns the village
about Kai’s arrival. This, again, fails miserably. To make matters worse, it
turns out that Li, Po’s Dad, doesn’t know how to do the whole chi thing. In
fact, NOBODY IN THE VILLAGE DOES!!!!
Uhm…. I don’t believe in this whole “chi” business, but I would assume that
KNOWING HOW TO PRODUCE CHI IS A PRETTY HUGE STATEMENT TO ANYBODY, AND SHOULD
NOT BE STATED AS A LIE JUST TO GET YOUR BIRTH SON BACK. That’s just messed up!
Tigress tries to calm Po down as Ping talks to Li about the trials of
being a good father. Everyone reunites, wishing to learn to be just like Po. Po
then states that they can’t learn to be like him, but rather themselves. Hence,
the secret to finding their chi. Okay, did Po learn nothing from the Dragon
Scroll two movies ago, or did he just forget that existed? Honestly, half the
conflict in Kung Fu Panda 2 and 3 could’ve been avoided if he’d recalled
the lesson of the Dragon Scroll sooner.
Kai (or rather, his Jombie army) appears after Po’s second attempt at
forming a Panda fighting squadron (so many things I cannot believe I have
written, including that previous statement), and pretty much gets the most
laughable beatdown in the universe. Of course, the henchmen get subdued, and it’s
Po’s turn to fight the boss. After a few cool moves, Po has Kai where he wants
him… in his deadly Wuxi Finger Hold that was used to defeat Tai Lung in the
first movie… and surprisingly nowhere in the second movie.
Wait, how is he not the most feared person in the universe, if he
knows this deadly move? And why was it not used more often?
Whatever.
After literally several attempts at the Wuxi move, Kai (foolishly)
informs Po that the move only works on mortals. Since Kai is technically an undead
spirit, it wouldn’t work. Kai beats some tar out of Po, and is ready to
decimate the Panda village. After some chitty-chitty-chat-chat…
…on Kai’s part, Po realizes that he can only defeat Kai on Kai’s turf.
So, using the Wuxi finger hold on himself while giving Kai a massive bear hug…
…he banishes the two to the spirit realm. Po then turns into pretty
much the final phase of the Dragon Warrior Metamorphosis in order to defeat Kai
with a chi overload.
You know what, never mind. Too many questions to blog here. But I will give you this spoof gif I made!
Yeah, yeah, Sailor Moon / Tokyo Mew Mew
(difference, please?) would’ve been a more
appropriate pop culture reference, but…
I didn’t feel like animating that.
I didn’t feel like animating that.
After Kai is… dead-dead? Po talks with Master Oogway and some lesson
is rehashed from the first two movies, Oogway gives Po his staff, Po returns to
the mortal world, and becomes a teacher for the pandas and his hometown, and
everybody finds his / her chi. THE END.
Sorta.
You see, they made a kind of an epilogue / prequel story short called Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Scroll.
Ping is pretty much giving away Po’s old stuff, accidentally giving away Po’s
beloved Furious Five action figures. But, was it an accident, or was it destiny? I’m not kidding, that’s pretty
much word-for-word the theme of this thing. But while Po looks for his figures,
Oogway tells the story of how the Furious Five began. It seemed to be by
accident? Or was it?
The story takes place 10 years ago, when Ping leaves young Po in
charge of running the shop while he’s gone. Meanwhile, young Tigress is being very
strictly taught by Master Shifu the ways of Kung Fu. Oogway notices that while
Tigress has talent, she will never become a true master until she finds
herself, instead of becoming just like Shifu.
A threat comes to this village (Okay, have these people considered
building a wall?) by the name of Boar. He’s a one-dimensional, rampaging bully,
but seeing as how insignificant he is to the actual plot of the original film
series, it doesn’t really matter.
Shifu is upset at Tigress’s lack of perfection, and Oogway decides to
order some Chinese food… or… food, in this case. Po talks to the messenger duck
running the pick-up errand, but due to a pepper overload, accidently sneezes in
the food. Shifu immediately becomes ill upon eating this, and is unable to
fight. He sends Tigress to find four warriors, their names written on a scroll.
Ping returns to his now VERY messy noodle shop, saying that some “idiot
cook” got Shifu poisoned. Po becomes very nervous, but doesn’t say that he was the idiot cook. Desperate to find
a way out of this uncomfortable scenario, he asks his dad for suggestions for a
new career. His dad facetiously suggests cleaner, comedian, dancer, doctor, and
emperor. Po writes all these things down on a scroll, but gets stopped before
he writes down emperor, as Ping tells him that his destiny is to become a cook,
like him. Po laments the fact that he can’t be like him as he takes out the
trash. While he’s doing so, he drops his scroll, trips, then goes back inside,
leaving the scroll.
(I bet you can figure out what happens.)
Wouldn’t you know it, Tigress accidentally drops the scroll with the
masters’ names and runs after it. In a mix-up, she picks up Po’s scroll and
reads the names. She finds the occupations and thinks they’re code names. Then
she travels to one center to find an army of rhinos guarding four very
well-trained Kung-Fu Masters. She then finds a young Crane, cleaning. She picks him up and takes him
to the next stop. She then tries to find a comedian. Monkey is at a local
dinner theatre bombing his act. He then joins the party and they’re on their
way to the next stop. They run into a ribbon dancer, young Viper, with a dad
who is proud of her no matter what. This briefly disturbs Tigress, as she hasn’t
been shown such affection (hey, if you had to raise Tai Lung, you’d be callused
afterwards, also). The last person on the list is a doctor. Tigress remembers
seeing a Mantis at the Jade Palace door that called himself a doctor, and was a
practicing (by that I mean he still needed some) acupuncturist, so everybody
needed was ready.
Then they all go off to see the wizard… um… I mean, they return to the
Jade Palace. Along the way, she notices that no one animal travels the same
way. She tries her own style of running, and it works big-time. She even Kung-Fus
her way through a boulder.
When they get there, Shifu is confused as to why there is a menagerie at
the doorstep of the Jade Palace. Oogway tries to convince him it’s destiny, but
Shifu claims it was an accident and sends them all away, determined to try to
fight Boar alone. Did I mention Shifu is still terribly sick?
Tigress, discouraged, gets told by Master Oogway that she cannot be
Shifu, but has to learn to be herself.
Does THAT sound FAMILIAR???!!!!
Anyway, Boar made his way through the Jade Palace by beating up a
citizen who foolishly tells Boar that Master Shifu will stop his rampage. I
guess he had to say it to move the plot faster. The town becomes evacuated, and
Po vocally regrets poisoning Shifu, admitting it to his Dad in the process. Ping
takes this surprisingly well, and figures that the scenario will become good
press for the noodle shop (All press
is good press, right? Just look at the 2016 election!!!), and sends Po out for
mushrooms in a field.
(What a surprise,) Tigress soon encounters Boar in that same field not
too far from Po. Boar mistakes her for Shifu, and gives her a megapunch after
she delivers a punch that sends her backward. Shifu comes out to try to take
over (still sick, by the way), but Oogway holds him back to let Tigress’s
destiny guide her. Her four new friends (who never wanted to leave her in the
first place) swoop in to the rescue, and stall Boar, giving Tigress time to
recover. Boar threatens the four, claiming he defeated Shifu. Tigress reveals
herself, and beats the living tar out of Boar, along with the rest of the then
unnamed Furious Five.
Po arrives on the scene just in time to watch this unfold, and falls
in love… with Kung Fu! He’d neither seen, nor heard of it before that very day
(except the name, which the messenger goose mentioned), but he finally finds
out what he wants to do, and ten years later…. Ehh, just read from the
beginning.
Boar now vanquished, the Five return to report back to Shifu, who
quickly healed after Oogway did some nerve touches at the last second.
Why that fritzin’
litte--
Shifu at first seems disappointed at the raw, unconventional
techniques, and declares that training begins right away. Tigress,
disappointed, assumes her learned positions. Shifu then redirects her to the
training room where she – AND the others – can train and hone their individual
skills, stating how proud he is of her. Of all of them.
So what became of Po’s figures? It turns out that they were given to a
little kid, or a little chubby bunny, if you will, who tries to mimic the
Furious Five’s moves, as well as play little fantasy sequences with them. You
know, kid stuff. Po leaves the figurines with them, knowing that they’re right
where they’re meant to be.
Does THAT sound FAMILI—ahh, forget it.
It’s still a cute ending.
Because DreamWorks wanted what Disney already had, it teamed up with
Nickelodeon to form the TV series (among other TV series) Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness… I didn’t watch much of that
show. It was… okay. I guess. I dunno, I already got my fill of that sort of
thing watching Disney shows like Lilo and
Stitch, the Series, and The Emperor’s
New School. I guess the guy who did the voice in here was pretty good. I was surprised it wasn't Jack Black. I’m gonna assume it would’ve been cool, if I were a little kid.
…
…
…
…
I really enjoyed the theme song!
Whew, that was a long post! So basically, let’s wrap this up:
- Kung Fu Panda: Definitely my fave of the series. Great story, great plot, fresh new idea! Loved it. 5 Stars.
- Kung Fu Panda 2: REALLY wish they’d given the subtitile Ska2sh. That was an awesome phrase that for some reason didn’t stick, like “Bazinga!” Go figure. It was okay, but I’d say it was my least fave of the series, as it really just seemed like a bridge to the last movie.
- Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness: Great theme song, uninteresting TV show. I’m just out of the target demo.
- Kung Fu Panda 3: There’s always this sense of, “What am I doing with my life?” when I watch the third movie of a series, but it wasn’t a bad movie. I don’t agree with the whole “chi” thing (even though I know many do), but the story was REALLY gripping. I was literally on the edge of my seat at the climax of the battle. Then I fell over laughing when the comedic part came in.
- Kung Fu Panda: Secrets of the Scroll: Not unlike Secret of the Ooze, A SEVERE LACK OF THE DRAGON SCROLL AND ITS SECRETS. I think it got, like, 15 frames in the whole special! Plus, we already learned the secret in the first movie. Oh, I think they mentioned (literally) the secret at the very last second (like the moral presented in The Christmas Tree), which is basically “Be Yourself.” Again, seriously, already knew that. It was a cool story, and I liked the fact that it did 2D and 3D animation, since kids these days SERIOUSLY need a higher dosage of 2D animation. The origin story was cool, the B-story was cool, it was very cute to watch.
One more thing about the short: I had only one thing on my mind when the five were
fighting.
TEEN-AGE,
MU-TANT, KUNG-FU MASTERS!
TEEN-AGE,
MU-TANT, KUNG-FU MASTERS!
TEEN-AGE,
MU-TANT, KUNG-FU MASTERS!
FUR-I-OUS
ARE THESE FIVE,
AWE-SOME POW-ER!
Yeah. Now it’s
stuck in your head. And that will be ALL you’ll be thinking of when you see it
next time. You’re welcome.
What’s your
favorite series? This can be any medium.
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