My Experience With… The Little Panda Fighter

I honestly thought it was a joke at first. I mean, you did look at the trailer, right? Is it just me, or did the trailer voice guy not even believe in the very essence of this movie toward the end? I looked it up on IMDb, and yeah, it’s an actual film. Thankfully, it’s not even an hour, but trust me, it’ll feel like a full-length feature. I figure since I’d watched Foodfight! already, this movie couldn’t be any worse.

By the way, I’m not gonna waste

the bandwidth to put a full post

on Foodfight!, so… it was awful.

All around. Just… don’t watch

it, please. I’m begging you.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, this movie starts off about a big, clumsy Panda named Po Pancada (okay…) that works in a noodle shop restaurant, bar, and boxing ring joint (what?), but has dreams of being one of the best Kung Fu masters ballet dancers the world has to offer (what??!), even though he’s pressured into becoming a noodle shop owner liking boxing matches, despite the fact that he has no desire to sell noodles thinks fighting is violent (YOUSAYWHATNOW‽‽‽‽‽).

The boxing bar does have plenty of customers that eat there, but the fights are very predictable and boring. Why? “Freak” Teddy Thunders has been the reigning champ for years, so there’s no excitement. The owner of the restaurant, a polar bear named Polaris, used to fight, but had to sign a contract with Grizzlepuss (some weird-looking thing with a constant nose drain) saying that if he fought in the ring again, he would lose ownership of the joint.

Pancada is a busboy in this establishment, and because of his dislike of fighting, nobody really likes him, especially this one female bear that he has a crush on, named Beth. Pancada trains hard, but only to become a ballet dancer.

One day, Polaris finds a loophole in his contract. He disguises himself under a new name and identity, complete with a black suit and mask. He asks Pancada to wash it. While washing his boss’s clothes, he gets distracted and practices his dancing. Beth catches him, and he tells her that he was working on some boxing moves. Beth is pleasantly surprised at the change of attitude, although slightly suspicious. Pancada distracts her away from the laundry room, leaving the suit in the washer altogether.

The day of Pancada’s audition with a prominent dance school arrives, and Pancada brings his best: a ridiculous-looking improv dance (that part was actually supposed to be good), ending with an even more ridiculous-looking leap over the judges’ table as a finishing move. He does not make it into the academy.

Pancada’s disguised boss has a fight with the reigning champion that very same day. Because of his fighting prowess, not only does he help deliver an exciting show, he actually defeats the champion! During the fight however, his suit and mask shrink in size (due to the overwashing), and it makes him look like…. Pancada!

While Pancada walks to work the next day, everybody passing by him congratulates him, and even Beth flirts with him. Unfortunately, Pancada thinks they’re congratulating him for his dance audition, and wonders if they were all secretly watching him.

I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

THERE’S NO WAY ON PLANET

EARTH THAT SCENE WAS

ANIMATED WELL ENOUGH FOR

SUCH A PLOT POINT TO BE POSSIBLE.

Polaris meets with Pancada, upset that everyone thinks he was the one that beat the champ. Clueless Pancada stands his ground that it was he. Beth hears the commotion and scolds Polaris for his jealousy. Polaris tries to hide his ruse by saying he trained Pancada. Beth loves them both for being an inspiration to all.

Okay, some girls have roller-coaster emotions,

this one’s just a head case!

Pancada then reveals that he had an audition the same night as the big fight. Polaris then has a huge, weird laugh, and then tells Pancada about what happened that night. Surprisingly enough, Pancada puts it together pretty quickly. Polaris then lets him in on his ruse. Freak Teddy demands a rematch, and Polaris fights as Pancada again, a plan into which Pancada reluctantly gives.

Pancada explains his troubles to his dance insctructor / master, Master Xin, and he tells Pancada he must either tell the truth, or become a Panda fighter.

The next day, the newspaper reveals that “Pancada” won the rematch, and the story makes the front page… again.

Pancada meets Polaris in his office, where he’s informed that Teddy wants YET ANOTHER REMATCH. This time, Pancada demands that he fights, so he can feel like an actual champion. Despite Polaris’s pleas to keep Pancada from actually fighting, Pancada moves forward with his plan, and Polaris trains Pancada to fight (in addition to his usual meetings with his dance trainer)… in the weirdest animated montage ever produced.

The night of the fight arrives, and Pancada is nervous as all get-out. He gets seemingly KO’d by Teddy, but then miraculously (even for a low-budget film) revives just in time for the first round to end. The second round, Pancada gets one hit in, then gets punched around by Teddy until the second round ends. Finally, Pancada remembers Master Xin’s words: “If you fight like you dance, you can never go wrong.”

Newly inspired Pancada takes to the third round with his dance moves. He gets punched out and… stays down. He loses the fight, and Teddy regains his champion status.

Pancada is back at the office the next day, apologizing in (invisible) tears. Polaris reassures him that he has nothing to worry about… especially since, knowing Teddy would clobber him… he won a HUGE bet he’d placed on Teddy.

Grizzlepuss realizes that the first “Pancada” was actually Polaris! He goes to confront Polaris in his office, only to find Pancada in his place. Pancada explains the whole thing to Grizzlepuss. Polaris retires to the tundra, and Pancada makes the joint into a dance theatre, with him as the star!

What. A. Disaster. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t seem so mean, I know animation takes a lot of hard work, but it just was not executed properly. I didn’t watch it in the original Portuguese, and I originally thought the synching was off. Nope. I wonder if the sound is off in the original Portuguese.

The animation itself looks like a work in progress, like what you see in previews. Nope. That’s the finished product. It’s glitchy, it’s long, it’s more like someone took basic animations over a green screen, and the characters look… unsettling. *shudders*

The story concept itself was kinda cute and clever, but using Pandas instead of literally anything else… clearly they ripped off Kung Fu Panda. Also, the actual plot written… was horrible. It was terribly executed. The voice acting itself (the English version, anyway), was surprisingly good. Pancada’s voice actor was especially good. The only issues with voice acting are the ones you normally get when you translate a foreign movie into another language. All the exclamations, grunts, and sighs, plus the pauses… that’s somewhat expected. Also, what was with Master Xin’s voice? He sounded less David Carradine and more… McGillicuddy from Pontoffel Pock, Where Are You?

I’m not sure there’s a rating system for this type of film, but as far as bad films go, it… wasn’t… that… bad. It was horrible, yes, but not that horrible.

I dunno. Watch it, don’t watch it, I don’t care, just stating the facts.

What’s your favorite way to eat Ramen?