They say not to judge a book by its cover.
Not sure who “they” is, but we can now add Universal Studios to the
ever-growing list with its recent film, UglyDolls,
which honestly looks like it will bludgeon you over the head with its
kindhearted yet worn-out message.
Boy, I remember when this was first coming out. I couldn’t escape it!
I felt like I was in the 2010s Trolls
craze all over again! Every bit of the initial trailer for… some movie I saw in
theaters but can’t remember which, and it just seemed so obnoxious! I refused
to spend money to watch it, because even if the trailer hadn’t pretty much
given away the whole movie minus the villain’s downfall, I would’ve guessed it
already! Because this seems super predictable, I will warn you that there are
probably spoilers ahead. I doubt that a cash-grab as unclever as this kiddie
flick will pull a Frozen on me.
I know this sounds mean,
to write about all this before
I’ve
even seen the movie, but honestly, I think
I will have seen better plot development in
Barbie and the Secret
Door. And it’s a kid’s
movie, for crying out loud!
Anyway, as I was saying, the trailers were EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t change a channel without seeing their
cute-ugly faces (yeah, I thought these were supposed to be ugly). The only part I remember that made me smile was something
about a “jibberish cat.” That made me chuckle, too, actually. But as soon as
the antagonists in their perfect little world were shown, my eyes started
rolling as I mentally ran the plot through my head, with enough time to read
the incredibly long list of contemporary artists’ names! I know merch was
flying off the shelves for things that honestly any kid can glue, sew, or knit
(if he has the patience) together as long as the imagination level was above
“Forky.” Even my phone had pre-loaded UglyDolls
emojis or whatever they’re called! I couldn’t take it!
Then…. It stopped.
The movie came out and…. A deafening silence.
I just lived my normal life day to day. Didn’t even give it a thought.
Until I saw this beautiful gem in the library.
I’d completely forgotten about it. I couldn’t believe it.
So many thoughts ran through my head.
Huh. It’s out already?
Oh yeah, that was a
thing, wasn’t it?
I called it, it was
overhyped.
Did the audiences not
like it?
Was everybody as
skeptic as I was about this film?
Do people even care?
The cover shows the creators didn’t.
I bet I can figure out
the whole plot of this movie for sure.
I looked up
the general consensus online, and it was indeed met with a big hearty….
“Bleh” to
“meh”
…from both
critic and audience.
My guess is the audience had kids who enjoyed it, so they could set
that in front of the tykes while they enjoyed some relative peace and quiet for
a couple of hours.
On the other hand, I assume the critics were tired of the stale old
message, especially when the appearance gives away the plot! Just look at the
DVD cover! I bet it’s about a bunch of dolls that are perfectly normal in their
world. A ragtag group of friends, led by a strong, quirky, kindhearted female dreamer
leader who “just wants more”, disrupt a perfect world of a different set of
toys, and the leader is some militant tyrant who wants everything in perfect
order because he’s got evil OCD. But
there’s just one Ethnic(ish) Girl doll that gets converted and embraces her
true self, while the Aryan “Alpha” Male with incredibly non-masculine
tendencies will never compromise and will fall in an epic self-demise, probably
exposing him as a truly “ugly doll” too. You know, like the chick from that Igor movie who stops taking those beauty
pills?
I’m sorry I reminded you of that movie.
Side note, that orange one reminds me of Oh from Home. Which sorta
infuriates me, the more I think of it.
Let me watch this film. Which apparently has great music given all the older
superstars in here.
*nomming on cupcakes
while watching trailers
for much better-looking
movies*
The movie starts with a sequence that looks like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with surprisingly cheaper
effects, as a bunch of machines make little felt dolls, each one undergoing
highly strict (yet quick) inspection for any defects, as any good toy factory
should, by the way. The perfect dolls continue on to be distributed, while the
defective ones are moved to another conveyer belt that leads to the title
screen. And a magical town named UglyVille where the dolls come to life –
WAIT, THESE ARE THE
DEFECTIVE ONES?!
I want a living doll! Where were these when I was a kid?
Yeah, get ready for the word “ugly” to be thrown around like it’s no
big deal. *It’s all part of the brainwashing process.* For real, though, they
say “ugly” so much, they make the Bee
Movie bee puns seem in conservative numbers.
We meet the main pink girl character named Moxy (Kelly Clarkson) who
immediately starts singing about wanting to be loved by a child – or a girl, as
indicated by her drawings. She dreams each day of being adopted by a child and
taken into the “Big World.”
I’m getting major Toy Story
vibes here.
As you can expect, the citizens of the town considers the real world
to be a myth… probably because defective toys are generally not adopted? I
dunno.
Given all the slamming I’ve done on this movie, let me point out some
positives so far:
1.
The music isn’t bad. It’s nothing spectacular,
but it’s cute.
2.
The scenery is pretty bright and colorful
despite the neutral backgrounds.
3.
Texture’s okay, but it’s not DreamWorks or Pixar
level, but I’m not asking for much in this movie
Back to the slamming.
How in the world is Moxie an ugly doll? Yeah, she’s supposedly fat and
looks weird, but she honestly looks like something you can legitimately snuggle
up with at night. You got people with multiple eyes, or one eye, missing an
eye, she’s got two eyes with cute lashes. She’s got a gap tooth… so what, she’s
a doll! And while the background characters look mostly like puke colors or
“washed in the wrong load,” she’s this bright neon pink that would turn Barbie
green with envy! Finally, her little head things look remotely like hair. She’s
not really all that ugly, despite being an ugly doll. I guess this is so it’s
easy to root for her.
Overall, Uglyville does seem like a fun place. Partying all day and
night, and each new arrival is celebrated in grandeur. But that’s not enough
for Moxy. The mayor, Ox (Blake Shelton), doesn’t want her to get hurt, and
sends a friend *coughcoughwhohasacrushonhercoughcough*, Lucky Bat (Wang Leehom)
– a red bat who hardly looks abnormal to talk some sense into her. His advice
comes from a fortune cookie “Find your own truth,” along with the lucky numbers
for the strip of paper. Moxy reads her tea leaves, and interprets that it’s
time to leave in order to find what
she’s looking for. GET IT????????
She takes along her friends, Lucky Bat, Babo (a gray handyguy who
loves to eat – Gabriel Iglesias), Ugly Dog (a blue rapping cat-looking thing –
Pitbull), and Wage (orange chef – Wanda Sykes) to find a path to the Big World
through the Uglyville portal. The others are hesitant, but Moxy goes ahead, and
convinces the others to follow. After some wandering, they fall into an
elaborate system of doll baby chutes. They land at the “institute of
perfection,” where humanoid dolls basically turn into high-class prep students.
And now, I’m getting Barbie
Princess Charm School vibes.
With extra social commentary.
The entrance boasts a miniature orientation video that features kids
playing with the finished dolls. The montage is so sweet it would make the
marketing team for American Girl get
sick. Just kidding.
Moxy watches the montage, envisioning herself as a child’s toy. Then
everyone proceeds to be scanned, molded, and labeled. Each humanoid doll turns
into some perfect-looking humanoid with prep clothes, and some kind of
occupation/model. Moxy gets scanned, and breaks one of the computer systems due
to her not-model figure. This immediately freaks out some of the residents. The
dolls stick out like a sore thumb on a sneaker. A few girls nearby see them.
All but one criticize their looks from a distance, except for one obvious
redeemable character named Mandy (Janelle Monáe). They mention that the leader
Lou would disapprove. A new male doll asks who Lou is, upon hearing their
chatter. We’re introduced to him in song.
Is it possible for an animated character to look like it’s
lip-synching?
Lou is every
bit as insufferable as you can imagine, right down to being voiced by Nick
Jonas.
Sorry, Nick. I just wasn’t into you guys when I was a teen.
And he tears apart anybody who isn’t as perfect as he is. Like worse
than me, any YouTube Critic, the average critic, and the average parent
combined. I mean, he’s just mean! Not
even kiddie-mean. And this is also these ugly little heroes hear the word “ugly”
as a bad thing. Upon seeing the ugly dolls, Lou tells them that they’re not
welcome due to their ugliness. Moxy refuses to let him define her and her
friends, and her hometown. When Lou hears Moxy mention Uglyville, he decides to
let them stay, sends out three of his groupies to go spy on Uglyville, then
returns to his room to sing plot his revenge---
Cats. Don’t. DANCE.
Oi!
Mandy shows them to their “suite,” which is really just a storage
shed, and it’s revealed that Mandy is farsighted, which is her secret shame.
She hides her glasses from the rest of the institute as a way to keep people
from knowing she has imperfect eyesight.
Uh… Why can’t she get Lasik as part of her prep?
The three groupies start spying on Uglyville…. I’m not gonna disgrace Totally Spies, so I’ll just say like Charlie’s Angels, circa 2019 – then find
and kidnap Mayor Ox. (I just realized that he’s “ox” because he has one round
eye and one “x” stitch as his other eye). They bring him to Lou and *SHOCK*
THEY HAVE A HISTORY!!!!
Back at the Institute, the dolls are trained rigorously (and
humiliated) in class by Lou to learn how to stay out of the washing machine and
in perfect condition for perpetual playtime. The ragtag ugly band is failing
miserably during all this. The dolls try to get pretty (which is actually
scarier than their actual form). Mandy sees them and tells them that they look
great the way they are. But, she’s not above a makeover and song – complete
with instant music video!
Honest moment: the video is cute. The mix of animations is a nice
touch. However, the message of the song implies that a makeover is key to
showing the world your best side, even if it’s not what you’re feeling, and
it’s a good thing! Kinda clashes with the whole “stay true to yourself” message,
doesn’t it? Then we get more mixed messages as Mandy does a small reprise of
the song, saying how she wishes she didn’t have to hide under her makeover.
So confused.
The Ugly Dolls show their new selves to the crowd, ready to pass the
final exam to get to the Big World. But, Lou has one more ace up his perfectly
pressed sleeve. Ox comes forward and explains that he was a reject who was
transferred to the Institute of Perfection due to a factory error. He
befriended a young Lou, who tried to help him pass the gauntlet, but Ox kept
tripping himself and everyone else up. Lou helped Ox escape, and Ox learned
about how defective toys, like himself, get thrown away. Ox then founded
Uglyville and blocked the trash chute, so no defective toy would be wrongly judged
or hurt.
The group, seemingly defeated, walks away after Lou banishes them back
to Uglyville. The dolls (especially Lou), like the rest of us, know that the
ugly crew will return, though.
Back in Uglyville, everyone learns the ugly truth, and the once
sherbet-palette world turns to drab grey as everyone becomes seemingly
terminally depressed. Even new defects aren’t greeted the same way. Moxie is
probably the hardest hit of all, as she feels her drawings will never become a
reality for her.
The next morning, Mandy pep talks (and sings) Moxy to get back to the
Institute and pass the final test. And yes, points for what looks like another
yet amazing music video. Actually, this movie feels like music videos / musical
numbers strung together by a pretty predictable plot. At the end of the song,
they get kidnapped by the groupie dolls, who now have a chance to blackmail
Mandy for her eyesight. As the girls drag them to Lou, he meets them in the
pipe system. Then…
1.
He waited years to become the perfect doll
everyone looks up to
2.
Nobody’s going to take that away from him,
especially an ugly doll
3.
With Moxy out of the way, nobody will dare
challenge him
4.
Mandy can’t see (again, no Lasik at the
institution?!), so she’s ugly now, too.
Wow, he
called the ethnic-ish girl ugly! I called it! NO redeeming value for him! Oh,
and he pushes them down the recycling chute, where they can both be made into
pretty and perfect dolls.
Mayor Ox
decides to try to talk to Moxy to comfort her. Upon entering her house, he sees
signs of the kidnapping, and knows exactly where she is, thanks to the help of
her sentient printer… that suddenly became a plot device. Whatever, let’s get
this movie wrapped up.
Mandy and
Moxy almost get eaten by the recycling chute, but then Ox, the ragtag ugly
crew, and the rest of Uglyville rescue them.
They all head to the final task – the Gauntlet – to prove to the world
that their flaws are what makes them perfect after all. The ragtag band, Ox,
and Mandy enter the Gauntlet, and Lou runs with them to ensure that they lose.
I know they ain’t trying to channel American Ninja Warrior.
Lou makes a
robotic baby cry, which ends up with his being flung into a box. He escapes but
falls outside the foul line, but Moxy (and the other runners) stay behind to
comfort the tin tot. This helps them win the race, as the true meaning of being
a toy is being comforted by a child.
1.
There go those Toy Story vibes again…
2.
I noticed something reeeeeally early on in the
movie. These plush, nondiscriminate odd looking plushies? PERFECT BABY TOYS!
They’re absolutely the right size and durability for any kind of baby
shenanigans!
So… Lou failed the course. But apparently, this is meant to be,
because he’s the model prototype. This explains why he’s still at the
institution after so many years, and why he holds everyone up to his standard.
Lou tries to demolish the toys once and for all, but he almost gets thrown into
a washing machine. It is then revealed that he destroys the portal to the big
world during his rampage. In song, the other dolls fix the portal, except this
time, it merges together the protals between Uglyville, the Institute of
Perfection (Imperfect), and the Big World, and everyone is happy, singing, and
partying forever. And Moxy realizes that her world is always home, no matter
what child she ends up with. Let’s just hope it’s not Syd, m’kay?
Nah, it’s the perfect little girl who loves drawing, and loves the
doll just as it is. The child even comes complete with a gap tooth! And each
toy ends up with the perfect child. While Lou is sentenced to washing
everything in his dry-clean body and clothes. Okay seriously, Cat’s Don’t Dance, again?!
Alright, what have we got? A brightly-colored, decently CGI’d movie
with a much-overdone message, some ambiguous truths, like “finding your own
truth,” minimal edgy humor, and about the cutest music videos I’ve seen for
this year. Did I mention the musical star-studded cast? I didn’t even mention
everyone! As its own movie, though, it’s rather forgettable. Kind of sad, since
it’s clearly been pretty heavily invested into. Or at least the soundtrack has.
Even the soundtrack is rather blasé, given the quality of the singers (for the
most part).
This movie is definitely more for little kids who are not film-savvy,
who’ve never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seen a film that talks about being
proud of who you are, or who need a cute little confidence boost. Or a reason
to stay still for a couple of hours while I get some chores done around here!
Wait, I don’t have any kids. But even if I did, I know of and own far better
distractions.
What was your favorite toy growing up? In case you haven’t figured
out, mine was Barbie, but I used to have the BIGGEST collection of stuffed
animals growing up.
Plugging time!
Actually, no… I haven’t even updated my YouTube much for a while now.
I might, but I’m not sure what I’m going to upload yet. I haven’t been on
Facebook or Twitter in years. This is even my first post in a very long time! Does anyone still blog
like this, anymore? Man, living life can keep you off the internet for a long
time!
Also, if you look at the posting history, I definitely was in the
middle of two series. I’ll try to finish those up in the future. And try to be a
bit less snarky in my posts. ;-) See you next time, folks!
